he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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