I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
