There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery