my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
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well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
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Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick