matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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