I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
