what is it with giant penises always finding me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
