I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
that's an acceptable place to lick
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
