Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Where is the hickey?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
