so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
