Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
sex in a hospital.. check
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
