I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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