I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you didnt know i had herpes?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
