you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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