Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
