What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
