Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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