i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
