she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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