Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
