yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
