The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
