I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
