Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
