he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
