She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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