We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
