The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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