I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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