Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
