I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
