i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It all started with a game of naked twister.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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