My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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