it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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