tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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