you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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