im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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