i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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