Are we in a gay sports bar?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
