Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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