Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
