The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
