oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
