my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
