I wish my penis had an off switch
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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