My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
