I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
