you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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