just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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