gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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