im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
