Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
