You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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