Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
