She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
