Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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