she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
