I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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