Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
