okay pat passed out under dana's car
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
